The Turning Point
I feel like I keep waiting for something to happen so that everything will be different. Mostly, I keep waiting for the moment when everything in my life finally snaps into place and I get it together and become the person I was born to be. Know what I'm talking about?
Like when I was in high school, I was waiting to be 18.
When I was in college, I was waiting for summer.
When I was in grad school, I was waiting to graduate.
In my 20's, I wait until I'm 30... and so it goes.
Don't get me wrong, milestones are powerful and can signify great things, but at the same time they don't actually do anything to change you in and of themselves. Let me give you an example.
A little while ago, I got a letter in the mail that was actually from my high school self. When I was in 11th grade my English teacher asked our class to write letters to our future selves and he promised he would mail them to us in 5 years. I was skeptical at the time, but as it turns out the man remembered! And man, I am harsh with myself as an 11th grader, and I place these incredibly high expectations on myself, hoping that the passing of the years will have made me into the person I picture myself being. Some of these visions are so good and hopeful, and even accomplished (good job, me!), but others are harsh and a little mean. 17-year-old Ilse didn't quite understand grace yet. I remember writing that letter and thinking to myself that simply the act of growing older would bring breakthrough in the different areas of my life I struggled with then, but now (9 years after the original letter was written) I see that some of these areas are still struggles for me.
Junior year was when my love-hate relationship with procrastination really took hold. It was when I started binge-watching TV shows (because it was when streaming shows online became a thing). It was when I started really struggling with seeking God because I was so busy trying to perform and appear churchy. And some of those struggles still echo in my life today. Little me expressed she would be angry with me if that was the case, but here I am 9 years later, still trying to find victory in these places. But trust me when I tell you I'm not using this as an excuse to beat myself up or for you to think, "Wow, Ilse, 9 years?! How is that possible?" This is just a moment to realize that the passage of time, or the meeting of milestones does not necessarily bring breakthrough in our lives.
Breakthrough happens when we face our demons, name our struggles, and do the work of climbing out of the pit -- or better yet, come to the poverty in spirit it requires to actually receive the grace to be lifted out of the pit by our heavenly Father. During this quarantine time I am coming to realize this more and more: I have to choose to grow and lean into the process, lest I continue to engrave my old patterns into the permanent fabric of my character, often using my personality as an excuse to keep those things there. So here I go again, signing up to be intentional. Not joining with 17-year-old me in being frustrated that I haven't changed, but helping her understand that His grace is enough for me to access the breakthrough and abundant life He already gave me. What a perfect time to do this -- when the world is so still I have no choice but to face myself.
Like when I was in high school, I was waiting to be 18.
When I was in college, I was waiting for summer.
When I was in grad school, I was waiting to graduate.
In my 20's, I wait until I'm 30... and so it goes.
Don't get me wrong, milestones are powerful and can signify great things, but at the same time they don't actually do anything to change you in and of themselves. Let me give you an example.
A little while ago, I got a letter in the mail that was actually from my high school self. When I was in 11th grade my English teacher asked our class to write letters to our future selves and he promised he would mail them to us in 5 years. I was skeptical at the time, but as it turns out the man remembered! And man, I am harsh with myself as an 11th grader, and I place these incredibly high expectations on myself, hoping that the passing of the years will have made me into the person I picture myself being. Some of these visions are so good and hopeful, and even accomplished (good job, me!), but others are harsh and a little mean. 17-year-old Ilse didn't quite understand grace yet. I remember writing that letter and thinking to myself that simply the act of growing older would bring breakthrough in the different areas of my life I struggled with then, but now (9 years after the original letter was written) I see that some of these areas are still struggles for me.
Junior year was when my love-hate relationship with procrastination really took hold. It was when I started binge-watching TV shows (because it was when streaming shows online became a thing). It was when I started really struggling with seeking God because I was so busy trying to perform and appear churchy. And some of those struggles still echo in my life today. Little me expressed she would be angry with me if that was the case, but here I am 9 years later, still trying to find victory in these places. But trust me when I tell you I'm not using this as an excuse to beat myself up or for you to think, "Wow, Ilse, 9 years?! How is that possible?" This is just a moment to realize that the passage of time, or the meeting of milestones does not necessarily bring breakthrough in our lives.
Breakthrough happens when we face our demons, name our struggles, and do the work of climbing out of the pit -- or better yet, come to the poverty in spirit it requires to actually receive the grace to be lifted out of the pit by our heavenly Father. During this quarantine time I am coming to realize this more and more: I have to choose to grow and lean into the process, lest I continue to engrave my old patterns into the permanent fabric of my character, often using my personality as an excuse to keep those things there. So here I go again, signing up to be intentional. Not joining with 17-year-old me in being frustrated that I haven't changed, but helping her understand that His grace is enough for me to access the breakthrough and abundant life He already gave me. What a perfect time to do this -- when the world is so still I have no choice but to face myself.
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