Hiatus

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In the spirit of honesty and vulnerability, I want to admit that I went on an unintentional hiatus on here for a few weeks. The reason for that was because I wanted to write about my life but I could not find the words. I also couldn't find the courage to continue to speak up when my life was overtaken by busyness and a feeling like there was not enough space to breathe.

But I hate using that excuse. I don't like looking at my friends and backing out of plans by stating that "Things are crazy right now" and so I can't be there for them as I would like to be. Don't get me wrong, no one loves to spend alone time and enjoy self-care more than me, but I feel like there is never a good enough reason to check out of relationships or responsibilities. Saying, "Things are crazy right now" for me usually means I have not been managing my time well, I have not been spending time with the Lord, I am stressed far beyond my regular level, and I don't feel like showing up to pretend that I'm fine and everything is not slowly snowballing out of control. But that is not "Things are crazy right now," it's more "I'm actually kind of a mess and I really don't want to talk about it with anyone yet because I'm trying to get myself together before anyone notices–right now."

So that's honestly been my life for the last couple of weeks, and I haven't made the time to sit and write as I committed to do.

That's right, I said I haven't made the time because I haven't had the time implies that every moment of my day has been occupied with important and pressing matters that are out of my control, or that I truly have been busy. But that's not true.

I once very naively used the phrase "I haven't had time" to explain to a mentor why I hadn't spent time with God, and she just looked at me and said, "Really?" She went on to tell me that I probably did have the time, but the problem was that I was letting it get away from me without using it for the things I actually need to do. I was wasting time, killing it, instead of making it and having it bear fruit in my life. Time is a gift, you don't waste or kill gifts, you use them and usually you let something good come from your use of your gift, why should time be any different? Needless to say, that conversation convicted my heart and silenced my mouth and I left knowing that I had to be responsible with any time that I may ever have because if I am not, it is easy to waste and there is no way to get it back.

So here's the honest truth about where I've been: I've been wasting time, but today I'm taking it back. 

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