I Spoke Up

The following are a collection of thoughts inspired by the events in the USA this week. I'm not an expert nor am I claiming to have all the information and authority on these issues, but I think that whatever voice I have I need to use to bring these issues to the light. Feel free to make up your own mind and do your own research, but don't just scroll on as if nothing is happening. This one goes out specifically to my brown brothers and sisters, we're not off the hook on this.  I remember watching movies like The Help and Selma and thinking to myself, "I wish I had been there. I wish I could ride the bus with the Freedom Riders of Montgomery or refuse to give up my seat like Rosa Parks..." but those days were gone and there was nothing more to be done... or so I thought.  Enter now the year 2020 and look around. I don't know that the story has changed all that much. And maybe, in some ways, things have gotten worse. Instead of seeing overt Jim Crow laws we ...

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1. This was the fist Bible verse I ever memorized. I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I've been thinking about why on earth God would want to make something out of the mess that was the earth. I don't know if you're an artist or familiar with people who do creative things, but usually the first step to a masterpiece is a blank slate, a clean canvas, and a brand new palette with great splashes of color. The beginning of a painting is often the most organized moment of an artists' day, it's when anything can happen and the possibilities are endless. But that is not the picture we get at the beginning of creation, instead the canvas God is looking at is this: "The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep." (Gen. 1:2a) It was formless and void, in other words, all there was was chaos and emptiness. Not a squeaky clean new canv...

I feel like I keep waiting for something to happen so that everything will be different. Mostly, I keep waiting for the moment when everything in my life finally snaps into place and I get it together and become the person I was born to be. Know what I'm talking about? Like when I was in high school, I was waiting to be 18. When I was in college, I was waiting for summer. When I was in grad school, I was waiting to graduate. In my 20's, I wait until I'm 30... and so it goes. Don't get me wrong, milestones are powerful and can signify great things, but at the same time they don't actually do anything to change you in and of themselves. Let me give you an example. A little while ago, I got a letter in the mail that was actually from my high school self. When I was in 11th grade my English teacher asked our class to write letters to our future selves and he promised he would mail them to us in 5 years. I was skeptical at the time, but as it turns out the man r...

Lately I’ve been struggling with comparison. I’ve been struggling with walking alone and feeling like I have to have it all figured out. I’ve been fighting against my incessant need for independence that will impress those around me. I’ve been struggling with performance. And I think that if we’re honest, a lot of us struggle with those things. Especially as women, we have been conditioned and trained into seeing other women as competition. We think, “If everybody else gets complimented there is not enough approval left in the room for me,” or “If everybody else is beautiful, there is no beauty left for me.” We can’t both be pretty, we can’t both be smart, and if there’s more than two of us, forget it, it’s over. So we walk around seeing everyone else —especially other women—as competition, secretly hoping that they are successful but not as successful as us so that we can celebrate them without feeling like we failed.   Or maybe that’s just me, but it’s a feeling tha...

Don't dance as if no one is watching Look honey, let them watch Those moves are sweet and too good to hide. Might not be J.Lo's, but they're just like you and you kill it you rock it you slay on the dance floor so who cares if your hips are lying? Don't sing as if no one's listening Listen baby, let them hear your voice thunders it reverberates its sound penetrates and its content is too important for you to just sit and hold it Because in the wondering, in the waiting, and in your constant "stand by" The world is waiting, the world is watching and your time could pass you by You keep holding the door open while watching others walk through it Thinking your only destiny was to see others do it But you're so wrong, I'm sorry but you're mistaken In your career choice as everybody's door stop. You've been waiting for this stage to pass when this place was meant to be your stage Your show where you move, you ...

Hypocrite: one who is satisfied with making a good impression  Authenticity starts with me. It starts when I lay down my BS and start actually living the way I say I am living. It’s really simple it just requires effort, something many of us prefer not to expend in creating change as much as we expend it complaining about the current state of things. Hypocrisy happens when we settle, or when we think it’s enough to give the impression that we are free or religious or holy. I regret to inform you (and me) that impressions and intentions are not enough. Not even close. There’s an old saying that states that “the path to hell is paved with good intentions,” and I dare say it’s a worse path to take there than that of simple, overt rebellion because all along you’re fooling yourself into believing that your intentions and impressions are actually getting you to heaven. They’re not. You’re literally in the same place as when you started. It’s like when you are driving somewhere wh...

What does it mean to be brave? I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially since the earth-shattering Brave Love book entered into my life, and I have to say that courage and bravery looks different than I thought it would. The brave person is not devoid of fear, in fact, they are ones who may feel it more than others. The brave person is not impenetrable, in fact, only a truly courageous person would dare to be vulnerable and open themselves up to others. The brave person is not walking around in total self confidence, in fact their minds are often plagued by self doubt. The truth is, what separates a brave person from an ordinary person is as simple as a weak, "yes." What makes someone strong is not negating their weaknesses, it is acknowledging them so that they can be strengthened. To be brave, to be strong, is to choose not to run away. It's to dig your heals in just enough to start to grow some roots. There, good intentions finally become ac...

No. I will not be bitter. No. I will not hold a grudge. No. I will not be defined by what happened to me. Who said that events had the right to become titles? Who told your mistakes had to define your shape? Who said that? I don't want to be angry anymore, I don't want to feel that knot. I refuse to let the past become the lens through which I decide my future. I am light, I am salt–I am meant to be different. Why would I refuse to cuss or be addicted or abstain from any other form of "sinful" behavior and then fall into the same old patterns of the world I was redeemed from? A price was paid for me to break patterns. In fact, a road map was written so I wouldn't get lost in this new world. So I'll do that. I'll walk by faith. I'll choose to believe His mercy is new everyday. I refuse to lose hope and sulk in the pity party so many have been ready to throw for me. NO. That is not who I am, it is not who I was saved to be. When I received my...

Below is an analysis of the current stage of my life as I experience it. It's not a perfect metaphor, but I couldn't get it out of my head, so I decided to write about it. Here goes nothing: _______________________ Breaking up is like waking up when all I want to do is go back to sleep. Not just regular waking up, but it’s the kind of waking up that happens when you just had a dream where you are 100% sure you are awake and are actively getting ready for your day. Ever had one of those dreams?  You know, you see and feel yourself getting out of bed in a great mood, and in fact, you woke up super early for once and feel so well rested! You get dressed and you make yourself breakfast and then hear an obnoxious noise – your alarm goes off in the real world and you realize that none of those things actually happened. Reality check: You woke up late, your boss is calling you because you missed your morning meeting, and it’s laundry day so you have to choose ...

In the spirit of honesty and vulnerability, I want to admit that I went on an unintentional hiatus on here for a few weeks. The reason for that was because I wanted to write about my life but I could not find the words. I also couldn't find the courage to continue to speak up when my life was overtaken by busyness and a feeling like there was not enough space to breathe. But I hate using that excuse. I don't like looking at my friends and backing out of plans by stating that "Things are crazy right now" and so I can't be there for them as I would like to be. Don't get me wrong, no one loves to spend alone time and enjoy self-care more than me, but I feel like there is never a good enough reason to check out of relationships or responsibilities. Saying, "Things are crazy right now" for me usually means I have not been managing my time well, I have not been spending time with the Lord, I am stressed far beyond my regular level, and I don't feel l...

I heard this phrase: "I was born to do hard things" in a teaching this morning and suddenly it hit me, I was created for more than an ordinary life. I know we have all been told this, maybe we all have something on our walls that says "you are amazing, live amazing" (I don't know... I totally made that up), but how many of us believe it? How many of us actually lean into that feeling on the inside that says, "hey, maybe there is more to life than this." And maybe we don't want to because it feels like wanting to be great or longing for a glorious existence is not Christian or humble, but I'm beginning to understand that this feeling was placed in us by God himself. The greatness and beauty in you and me show others how great and beautiful He is, and our inability to step into that is less a testament of His power than it is a testament of our fear. And sometimes it's not even fear, it's straight up laziness. I can't tell you how...

So I preached in our youth service last night and wrote a bunch of stuff down. My notes kind of went out the window when I started talking, but I thought they were worth sharing anyway. You should probably read John 8 before reading this, cause this kind of picks up in me trying to understand the context of the incident with the adulterous woman.. __________________________ This took place during a Jewish festival, everyone and their mother was in Jerusalem. Jesus had actually been mocked by his siblings to go: “and Jesus’ brothers said to him, “Leave here and go to Judea, where your followers can see your miracles! 4 You can’t become famous if you hide like this! If you can do such wonderful things, show yourself to the world!” 5 For even his brothers didn’t believe in him. 6 Jesus replied, “Now is not the right time for me to go, but you can go anytime. 7 The world can’t hate you, but it does hate me because I accuse it of doing evil. 8 You go on. I’m not going to this fe...

Today I decided to stop talking about things I wanted to do and actually do them. I decided to start living into the greatness bestowed upon me by He who decided my life was worth His own. I decided to speak up, and I named my blog that after Steffany Gretzinger's song "I Spoke Up," creative, huh? If you're curious, here is the song & lyrics: Everyone knows that I was the good girl I did my best to make everyone happy with me But then I found out that It was impossible to please the whole crowd  So I spoke up, I spoke out  I learned that love don’t hold its tongue  And passion doesn’t bow to what they think  It’s you and me  Sometimes it’s painful to be brave  To look fear in the face  And know your name  To find your strength  So here I am, not holding my tongue and not bowing to what they think. I've decided to live into the promise that "perfect love casts out all fear" (1 John 4:18) and...

A Story About Seasons. She left a piece of herself everywhere she went. For some reason she just couldn’t keep herself together. If you were to see her you might feel sorry, maybe a little sad, perhaps even intrigued by the sight of her being. Only her core remained in tact, while the rest of her shed like a tree in the autumn. She wasn’t sure how it started, but what she did know was that everyone else seemed to keep it together. It didn’t really matter to her, though, because she was never angry at the trees for being bare in the winter nor the animals for hibernating in the cold — she knew that the most natural things in life have their seasons and she refused to believe she was an exception to that rule. So she looked more closely at those who “had it together,” their own leaves hot glued to their branches, dyed green to keep them vibrant, plastic branches taped to their hand-painted trunks, and she thought to herself if only they knew, withering does not mean death and...

There is no glory in doing what’s easy. Sure, what’s easy gets the job done quickly and painlessly, but it does not carry the blood, sweat, and tears that bear witness to the extent and depth of the glory. No athlete, artist, or entrepreneur has ever received recognition or breakthrough from doing what’s easy. In the same way, there are no miracles in magic. Magic is often a momentary illusion, a glimpse of the impossible that vanishes as quickly as it appears. It’s often founded on lies and misdirection, though it leaves its witnesses stunned and awestruck by its wit. Miracles can be more mundane. They don’t carry fairy dust or come with the flash and flare of the stage, often they happen behind the scenes in the midst of quiet desperation. When hope has been lost and the task at hand feels impossible, the scene is set for the miraculous to have its debut. People may doubt it, some may be skeptical, but those who receive the miracle are forever transformed. Life cannot be the same...